Sexy. Great in bed. Can put up with my BS. Likes football, beer, partying, concerts. Also can’t be an idiot and must have something to say. In addition, someone to keep me in check.
It’s time to take this thing in a slightly different direction today. In this edition of Weak Stream, we’re going to discuss the difference between wanting and lusting. Not in the general sense at least. However, Megan Fox will be a part of this conversation, in which case… yes, we are talking a little bit about lust. As a part of any straight man’s organic way of being, we can’t help but lust, not love, her. It just is what it is.
But, I digress.
Now, as anyone who reads these posts (maybe half a dozen people ever) knows—I love television. Working in it, watching it, reading about it-everything. I crave it. But, judging it… now there’s a true pastime. While advertisements tend to have more of a proclivity for promiscuity in order to lure us in during these confusing, increasingly expensive and hectic times when we’re all starting to realize that most of us are not as special as all of our mommies told us we were, there are very few that seem genuine. Though there are way too many ads out there to judge all at once, there are two that I’ve seen with great frequency recently that make no juxtapositional sense, but this attempt ought to do the comparison justice.
First off, this goddamn Armani Code Sport commercial with Megan Fox is THE WORST. There is absolutely nothing sporty about some dude swimming one lap towards Megan only to eventually sniff her neck. Personally I thought the swimming was a bit unwarranted. To be perfectly honest, if I were in this situation and someone who looked like Fox was standing on the other side of a pool waiting for me in nothing but a sheet, I’d walk, or run, around the fucking pool. You’re already either there in reality or in her dream (which it is is very unclear), but by that time it doesn’t matter and impressing her is clearly unnecessary because it’s fantastical. What is not a fantasy of mine is shopping at Armani. I have fantasies about shopping for Armani like I have fantasies about wearing Ed hardy t-shirts and looking like Ronnie from the Jersey Shore—it just doesn’t happen. So, next time you want to make a commercial about being sporty, Armani, have some guy doing any other activity that’s not swimming and leave the field out of breath and too busy to pay attention to his girlfriend or illegitimate kids. Now there’s an athlete.
The next example I’m throwing out is Chevrolet’s newest installment of its 100th anniversary campaign. America: something we can all agree with—is what this commercial says to me. Let’s return to our core values. Let’s join hands, love our families and gather friends. Let us all hop in our Chevys and go see our vast, wonderful nation. FINALLY! Here’s a commercial every American wants to see. This is actually one ad that I have absolutely nothing bad to say about. And, to be honest, if you have Ray Charles in the background singing ‘America The Beautiful’ in 2011 for Chevy or ‘You Got The Right One, Baby’ in 1991 for Pepsi, I want to buy what you’re selling.
Emotional. Really. Too bad it’s a damn jeans commercial. Yes, ‘your life is your life’. You’d be a fool to question that. And who would question it when the narrator who sounds like the guy who plays the crazy, insightful, barbaric, half-naked Native American in every movie that casts crazy, insightful, barbaric, half-naked Indians is telling you so? You know the one I’m talking about; the guy who in The Last of the Mohicans rips a British soldier’s heart out and showcases it to his insatiable brood of guerilla warriors. His name is Wes Studi.
Anyway, I will admit that I just like this one. Even if it is simply a testament to how good a writer Charles Bukowski is, there’s something uplifting about it. However, I am not just referring to the beautiful women. The philosophy of this commercial is simple, yet somehow reassuring. Because, in our youth, we need reassurance. We need to be reminded of how it’s good to let go, feel free as though we’ve escaped the grasp of the day-to-day trivialities. But, if you’re going to go out there and have a little fun or raise some hell… make sure you do it in Levi’s jeans. If you do it in chords, people will just think you’re weird.
On the other hand, I really don’t suggest you do most, if not all, of the things that this commercial suggest you do. If you decide to, which is entirely up to you, you will be arrested and thrown in jail. By all means, feel free to “express” yourself physically with someone else. It’s a good thing. Just don’t do it in front of too many people. Otherwise, it becomes a sort of performance that no one, with the exception of the sort of people with which I choose not to associate, wants to see. Also, if you’re caught doing it in the woods… it’s a misdemeanor. Another thing I also wouldn’t recommend: rioting. And DO NOT approach riot police during a riot with open arms. The end result is probably not going to be you getting what you want. Especially if you live in London these days.
Other than that, this piece is 100% correct. Rock out with your flame-throwing guitar. Go pool jumping. Head bang in front of a wooden shed. And by all means—believe that you will be offered chances in this life. Just make sure that if you choose to go down any of these paths, you do so wearing Levi’s jeans.
This is one of my favorites of all time. Granted, I would never, and I emphasize NEVER, store anything at this man’s lot. BUT—I think this is one of the most amazingly awful, yet somehow brilliant commercials I’ve ever seen.
Commercials of the Modern Age
When it comes to being a regular consumer of media it is virtually impossible to avoid commercials and marketing campaigns. But, let’s be honest, we’d all rather change the channel than keep watching companies try to sell us a different product than the one we’re already happy with or doesn’t apply to our demographic. In as recent as the past few months, there have been several ad campaigns that go beyond the normal trend of using cheap humor to grab your attention. As the world’s attention span becomes shorter and shorter, however, we have to expect that drastic changes will take place in these sorts of campaigns. Yet some companies have taken it to another level or simply haven’t noticed what they’re putting in front of our faces.
Verizon, Huggies, Sobe and every beer commercial since 1990 are just a few examples of outlets that don’t make us want to change the channel. Sometimes it seems as though as long as there is mild racism, Kate Upton’s boobies, shit that blows up or all of them at once—we’ll watch it ‘just because’. I, for one, enjoy watching some of their spots during my favorite shows. Conversely, that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t rather be treated to commercial-less programming—but that’s just unrealistic. Since the average American watches approximately 40 commercials during the average 3-4 hours of TV we watch daily, we are all forced to have opinions. Mine is that of most people in the 18-45 demographic: continue to bring the promiscuity, keep blowing stuff up and for god sake give me my perfect Bud Light commercial.
INT Mineshaft:
33 miners are trapped underground for 69 days. On the 69th day they find a bunch of Bud Light scattered throughout the mine. Just as their rescuers are able to begin bringing them above ground, one of them shouts.
MINER:
Ya Se Armo!
Here We Go!
But if this were the case, they’d probably all die of alcohol poisoning due to malnutrition. So sad.
The perfect new commercial. Sobe—I applaud you, sir. I say ‘sir’ because clearly some 70 year misogynist with a massive nostalgic hard-on for Marilyn Monroe approved this. Either that or some kid like me who just… well… you get the picture.
Once again we are forced to realize that we live in a material world from the onset of infancy. Fuck off Madonna. But, honestly, where were these when I was a self-conscious toddler?
Are you kidding me with this? They’re actually willing to insinuate that they are willing to blast this black guy with a fire hose. I’ve gotta be honest here, the opposite of bravo to you Verizon. You should be ashamed of yourselves. If you had any stones, you would’ve had the Asian guy win and absorbed the inordinate amount of criticism you deserve for even considering this idea.